in Streams of Consciousness

Stream of Consciousness – June 2020 : Comparative Nostalgia

Feeling a bit lost as June ended on a family disaster with the death of my beloved maternal grand-mother. This woman supported me in every step of my life and had quite her load of hardships in her life. She was so brave, kind, funny while also having an unique strength of character that I never saw elsewhere. Losing here, while it was something we all expected to happen sooner or later as she had just reached her 90’s in January, was quite a blow to all of my family and myself included.

In a year that already feel so strange, it seems things are getting harder and harder and I find it mentally exhausting. It looks like every week brings its deal of hardships and bad news and it’s really hard to stay sane and cope with it.

Time keeps on passing by at fast speed and I’m feeling quite overwhelmed by it and losing control of myself from time to time. I realized lately that my mind was often living in a state of what I called “comparative nostalgia”, longing for how I was in the past, how things were much simpler perhaps, or missing things from it. My mind keeps on going back to the past and I have to put a lot of efforts into focusing on the present time. This is something I hope to be able to work with my psychologist and fix.

I realized also that I was still looking for / hoping for an approbation from people I didn’t really care about anymore. “Famous” online Belgian figures, old friends, people that hurt me but were “influent”… I realized that often I wasn’t saying exactly what I thought as I was afraid that it might have an impact on how they perceived me. I realized that was quite a foolish way to think at 32 years old now… I started then to clean my online life of those figures as they were only relevant to my past and didn’t have any impact on my actual life. It’s funny how we can still be afraid of our teenage nightmares even years later.

I’m feeling nervous and angry a lot of the time. By digging, I discovered that this angriness and nervousness started a bit before my burn out and hasn’t left me since. I’m unable to compose with stupid thoughts or acts and explode or start to get agressive really quickly. It’s not something I like and I really don’t like the way it makes me act but I don’t know how to cope and deal with this. But it feels like the whole world is slowly getting dumber and dumber and it makes me loose my sanity slowly.

I’m starting to feel quite lost at work as it looks like I have to explain my position every two weeks (when old friends are still convinced I’m a graphic designer and I’m just exhausted to explain it all over again) and have to deal with a lot of both incomprehensions and office politics. I’m trying the best I can to be the voice of the customer and try to bring back topics that are important for them, but it looks always crushed with false pretenses and blatantly wrong explanations. When my only wish is to be able to do my work and invest my energy into the work and work as a whole team, it looks more and more as if a lot of people are only playing solo and I can’t do anything about it. And it’s really making me quite sad.

Lately we had to deal with a lot of incompetency, it looks as if it’s harder and harder to find competent people in the world and it’s as if the few that are left are not enough to make people realize how crazy it all starts to look. Time to realize things keep getting longer and longer and when they are done they are done so badly that it would make me ashamed of my work. I try the best I can to do my work as good as I can, but a lot of time I’m wondering if it’s even worth it as it’ll be crushed by anyone with a bit more of politics but false pretenses, or by anyone that can abuse someone with no technical background.

Not the brightest or happier stream of consciousness, but this is how things are at the moment… I will just hope for the best and hope that hardships will stop but it doesn’t look as if it will lately. At least I can escape a bit in books and games, but it’s beginning to get harder and harder to breath in a world like this.

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