in Streams of Consciousness

Stream of Consciousness – January 2020

As promised, here is the stream for January, or a least some mind emptying as February is starting. I realized the work I have done through exploring my psyche through hypnosis by confronting past pains and scars and realizing that they didn’t hurt me as much as they did before. Doing the gratitude exercise for my birthday also helped me quite a lot envisioning things through another lens, calmer, quieter.

I’ve kept my promise of journaling every day, keeping track of my mood, this helped me to realize that I’m feeling in fact quite good (neutral good) 90% of my days, but bad days tend to taint the whole week once they happen. Keeping track of my moods and journaling helps me reframing each day to what it is only : 24 contained hours. Writing down 3 things I’m grateful for each night also helped me see things on a brighter side.

On difficult things, I took the time to express gratitude towards the persons and events that hurt me in the past, allowing me to reframe those past events through a more positive lens which helps me to move on. By reading The Velvet Rage, I realized some wounds I collected around the way growing gay and the depth of the feeling of loneliness I had growing up. While it’s not a problem, this feeling left a scar in my inner child and is something I’m working on to heal slowly.

I started listening to more podcasts (finally), learning a lot of things. At the moment some of my favorites are: Daily Stoic, The Art of Manliness, Shrink for the Shy Guy, Meditation Minis, The Knowledge Project, Myths and Legends, … I’m listening them mostly while I’m working out, sometimes to relax and slowly a bit more at work when I need less focus than usual. I’m also slowly gathering ideas to develop one of my own with a friend, I’ll work on that and perhaps you’ll hear more in the coming months. I just discovered a great Youtube channel full of meditations and hypnosis sessions !

I realized I was searching a lot of validations from others in the past years, and it cost me a lot on my mental health. Slowly I’m allowing myself to be more independent and to see things in another way.

I realized that most of the problems I had with some people or groups where mostly due to problems I had about how I was seeing myself, and that by allowing myself to accept those issues, and to not worry about what people I don’t care about could think about me, I could grow and feel better about myself. There’s still quite a path to walk, but I’m realizing things bit by bit and it’s allowing me to grow at my pace.

I started a drawing lesson on Udemy, while I’m not constant in my practice, it’s something I aim to develop more as I need something more creative in my life. Perhaps I’ll come back to writing things, but at the moment I don’t have a clear inspiration to pursue. I hope I will be able to show you my drawing progress in the coming months.

I finished the 21 Day Mindset Reset created by Carla White, which allowed me to do quite a lot of progress about what I want, expect, and where I’m coming from. Knowing where I want to go for the next years is my main goal for this year, so it will be a focus for the next streams I think and it’s something I’m working a lot on.

I realized I was quite nostalgic of having missed a lot of things in my youth, but I think it’s something we all have to live with. I don’t feel the need to catch on, it’s more a kind of “I wish I had more enjoyed those times when I had the chance“, and also “I wish I hadn’t based my decisions on my relationships” (sorry dad you were right).

I’m happy of what I have accomplished, I just realized that I could have taken an easier path with a hell less of problems and heartaches to reach this point in life. But those problems and pains made me who I am, so there was something to gain, and I hope that one day I’ll reach a part of the path where those feelings of regrets and pain will be gone 🙂

The more I grow old, the more time tend to speed up and I must admit it’s quite frightening… Weeks feel long but months pass at the speed of sound, I’m sometimes really afraid about how much time has already passed and how fast it is going. I wish I had more time to enjoy the people around me, to learn and grow, to feel more at ease, to concentrate on the things I want to grow but time seems to go faster and faster slipping through my fingers (I’m even having nightmares about this to say the least).

Until next month, I wish you all the best, I’m honored you’re taking some of your time to read this. And if you want to exchange, don’t hesitate to reach out 🙏🏻

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