We’re already one month in 2020, time fly incredibly fast… So it’s time for another of those stream as promised. There are a lot of things on my mind lately, mainly about my professional life, work and what we expect exactly from it and what it evokes for me.
For most of my life I’ve been lost regarding my professional life, unsure about what I wanted to do exactly, jumping from job to job (which I still consider normal) and rethinking my career as I was seeing things more interesting in one domain or the other. This helped me build a career I’m kinda proud of for the moment and allowed me to grow and learn a lot.
However, this career has never been built on a deep and real passion. Having the chance to encounter a lot of passionate people, people that have a lot of goals, passions, rules, … this is something that I always truly missed. I sometimes have the feeling that I’m always waiting for some “true calling” to appear sometime in my life, but it doesn’t and I don’t think it will. This always left me feeling like I was missing a piece, like I was somehow empty regarding a lot of other people.
But I have a lot of things I like and I’m interested in. I read a lot, write (wish I took more time for this one), play games, learn philosophy and psychology, listen to quite a lot of different music, started weight training and fitness, travel, draw a bit, … And sure, perhaps I don’t have “one” passion but multiple interest but I can’t keep thinking that in those multiple interests I don’t really dwelve deep into. I’m often feeling I’m surfacing a lot of things as I don’t have a deep will to go in things deeper. I even have quite a track record of things I gave up upon (hello learning guitar, music, drawing lessons, swimming lessons, rock climbing, …).
Those last weeks I’ve started a training in Life Coaching. Mostly for me. This training allows me to keep on working on myself, learn things and keep on searching things, digg a little more. I’ve realized there’s still quite a way ahead of me, things to learn, try, test and see. But still this lack of passion really makes me feel like I’m missing some fuel that could help me pursue things in a good way.
This also blocks me to understand the behavior of a lot of people. Like I don’t get at all sports / music / whatever aficionados, the way they can defend something they like against all odds or even against all logical sense. Even when I like an artist, I can criticize a lot of things about them, but I love seeing how some people react like they are personally attacked when you express the slightest thing against their passion. This is something I’m really missing and wish I had.
The last two weeks I’ve been quite hard, being sick and exhausted and having to face a lot of problems at work, it didn’t help this sense of helplessness. I’m happy to have taken big steps toward a more healthy life, as I had to cope with a constant fatigue for a long time, those steps really help me regain a lot of energy. Therefore, getting sick last week and having to deal again with such an enormous fatigue took me quite aback and depressed me a bit.
On top of that, things got hectic at work because of several communication problems. While I’m not the most skilled in the soft skills area (mostly I’m a loud mouth about a lot of things), I’m often surprised about how the biggest problems I had in my career where always because of people having serious trouble to communicate and express things. Not even “say things clearly”, just express them. As I often feel the need to speak out, often in a rash way, I really have troubles understanding people that are afraid to speak and when I have to work with such personality, problems are quick to arise. Still wondering how you can find a common ground with someone who doesn’t dare to speak, but it’s something I’ll have to discover later I think.
I also realized several coping mechanisms I had when I was feeling sad / depressed / anxious / nervous and started working on them. First I quickly solved the craving toward cigarettes when I have a drink, thanks to hypnosis. One session and it was gone. Next is my tendency toward compulsive buying. I like gadgets, I love games and books, but sometimes I buy way too much things because I’m feeling bad more than because I really want them. This got quite out of hands as my “to-read” “to-play” piles keep on growing while I feel that time is always slipping through my fingers and that my week-ends are always too short (thanks god I forced myself to finish my endless “movies to watch” list). It’s the next thing I have to work on.
There’s still a lot of things on my mind, but I’m having trouble to put things in words exactly at the moment, so I guess it will go in another stream 🙂 And for my fellow readers, nice to see you here, I hope you’re having a good day, thanks for spending some time reading my mind 🙏🏻