in Streams of Consciousness

Stream of Consciousness – April 2020 : Into the unknown

Looks like Covid-19 stopped the world for more than a month. Things have been quite hard as every day started to look the same to me. I must admit I didn’t saw April come and go but also had the feeling it lasted for an eternity. I won’t lie saying this has been and is always really hard for multiple reasons.

Being locked-down at home felt at first like a chance. I always wanted to work remotely to have more control off my life, this was my chance. While some people are against full-remote work, this is something I aim for and wish I could do one day. But the locked-down also removed me from friends and family (except my boyfriend and my best friend with whom I currently live). While I always pictured myself as a “not too social-needy person”, I realized I was totally wrong about this part of myself. While I don’t handle well groups of people I need to see people, more often than I could admit. I missed my friends and family, and still miss them greatly as the post lock-down isn’t exactly the end of this nightmare.

Work has been quite challenging too, as I just went through a big management change just before the lock-down happened and suddenly we had to handle a lot of changes. I have troubles picturing my exact position in the company and how to be an efficient voice of the customer in the current power play. Power plays are something I never handled well and that always pissed me off as I always pictured a company as a group of people working together toward the same goal. Unfortunately, after 10 years of work, I must admit this is an utopia as power plays are more the core of almost any company I saw than its product(s). It makes me sad and also a bit lost about what I could possibly do and how to evolve on the professional side.

Regarding my daily routine, things went clearly sideways. While I tried to maintain it at the beginning of the lockdown, slowly things started to go wrong. I got sick, then sick again, then depressed, … and lost almost all my routine. As days started to look all the same, keeping a routine made them more and more alike and I couldn’t handle the mental toll. Getting back on track won’t be easy, but I already did it. I just focus on my global health at the moment as my body decided to somatize what my brain couldn’t handle on the conscious level apparently.

On top of the lockdown, several friends had to go through really hard times in life, and still are going through. While living in France and not anymore in Belgium, I knew I would have hard times being there for them when those things hit, but still this lockdown made me feel really powerless and useless toward them except by taking news through messages or phone calls. I wish I could do more, I hope things won’t get any worse for them and I hope we’ll have the chance to see each of us again soon.

On the contrary, I had the chance to exchange again with people I thought I lost through the years. I had long phone calls, deep exchanges through Instagram, learned a lot about a lot of people. On the contrary, people I thought the closest to me felt really distant and almost uninterested. This started a lot of questions about my social circles and how I handle my time and with whom I handle it.

Same way I deleted my Facebook account (not Messenger) because I couldn’t handle some posts from my friends and family which were, to say the less, utterly stupid. While everyone is entitled to their opinion, I don’t think we should know everything that our friends and family think about and Facebook made me more and more distant to some people. I must admit I don’t miss it at all.

The world post-lockdown is quite frightening. I’m lucky to be able to work remotely for at least another month, as I’m totally frightened at the idea of taking any public transport. I’m trying the best I can to handle this fear and be objective about it, but it took roots deep inside my mind and I’m really terrified about this. As we’re supposed to go back to Belgium in the middle of June, I have no idea how I would handle this.

Seeing people all around us with masks on outside is also a saddening vision. It’s really hard to keep things objective in my mind and to accept that it won’t last but will be there for some time, but that this isn’t all our futur. I miss seeing people without fearing contamination, I miss the innocence we had and never realized how precious it was.

I hope this nightmare will end soon. I hope we’ll have the chance to meet again soon. I hope we’ll recover some of our innocence. I’m not looking forward to “the world after”, I’m just wishing for some bits of “the world before” back. See you soon. Love.

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